Some of the seeds we offer will bear fruit immediately, others will germinate for a time and pop up to surprise you in communications to come.

Do not become discouraged if at first your mind is numbed by the number of things we are encouraging you to be aware of and to try.

What is the simplest way to move a conversation toward dialogue? Ask a Question!

Instead of making statements about what we believe, begin asking questions about what others believe.  As a conversation moves forward, continue to ask questions that relate directly and obviously to what the other person has been saying.

Dialogue: Its Component Parts

How do you balance advocacy and inquiry?

• Step back.
• Target your inquiry by asking questions to clarify what the other person believes.
• Examine the other person’s mental maps.
• Suspend your own assumptions.
• Learn before you try to influence.
• Advocate your opinions through carefully chosen questions and statements.

The Rewards

• Building rapport
• Building business relationships
• Extending your influence

Tips for Improvement >>

Little says more about you to those with whom you interact with than how you answer their questions.

Some people show annoyance when a question derails their monologue. Their body language reflects the thought, “why is this person interrupting?”

A question indicates interest in your subject — embrace it.

1. Pause one second before answering.
2. Answer the question simply and directly. Don’t skirt it but also don’t answer more than was asked.
3. Confirm, “Have I answered your question?” Anything but a clear yes means no.

Continued >>

 

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Most of us tend to want to talk more than we listen. It’s no secret that this tendency is counterproductive to building relationships, gathering information and learning. 

To be mentally present requires more than just silence when another speaks. You must clear your mind of extraneous “chatter” and focus intensely on what the speaker is saying.  Intense relaxed attention focused on another literally pulls them to a higher level of participation. 

How do you gain control of your meandering mind?   More  >>

 

What does it mean to connect?

To connect with your customers and colleagues is to join with them in a shared experience. It involves sharing ideas and information; creating a sense of interchange based on common interests.

Why ask questions?

Questions demonstrate your willingness to involve another in interactive dialogue. You interrupt your own closed-loop and bring in another perspective.

Asking questions is also a subtle tool of persuasion. The listener opens to your ideas as they articulate answers. You can often make your point more powerfully than by hammering home assertion after assertion.

Would you like to demonstrate that you are interested in those with whom you interact?

Start with open-ended questions. As you move toward resolution, use specifically directed, closed-end questions.  Read More >> 

 

Below, Jason McGarva of the Providence Toastmasters club shares his insights on how to keep a conversation going using the power of open ended questions.

 

How customers view you or your products is garnered by a framework of assumptions, stories and images in their minds.

If you really want to influence someone, your first task is to understand how they think. An individual’s perspective on the world can be identified and “mapped.”

A model for asking questions:

Step 1. Neutral Prompts

Step 2. Define the Universe with Wide Questions

Step 3. Prioritizing Issues with Priority Questions

Step 4. Pursue Detail with Deep Questions

 

More About The Discovery Process In Business >>

 

Below, Toastmaster Trey Gramann gives a thoughtful and humorous speech entitled "A Map for the Soul."

 

How do you prove to a speaker that you are really listening to what they are saying?  Paraphrase in a way that captures “the essence” of all major points the speaker makes. Use the speakers’ key words.

Work on making sure that your tone of voice, gestures and energy level are commensurate with the speaker’s.  If you restate the speaker’s words in a dispassionate and detached tonality, you have not empathically paraphrased. Listen to the speaker’s emotions, sentiments and desires, then pitch your voice and use your face and gesture in a manner that reflects understanding of the speaker’s emotive state.

Subtractive: The most common way in which your paraphrase will be inaccurate: all the speaker’s key ideas are not captured. That is, the paraphrase has subtracted some of what was said. The speaker says, “I am concerned about A, B & C.” The paraphraser says, “You are concerned about A & B.”

Additive: The next most likely way in which your paraphrase will be inaccurate: we hear what we want to hear and focus on our own ideas. We then add statements that the speaker did not make. The speaker: “I am concerned about A, B & C.” The paraphraser says, “You are concerned about A, B, C, L, & R.”

Interpretive: Instead of paraphrasing what was said you offer your interpretation of what you believe the speaker meant to say. You hear A, B & C and say “I have the impression that what you are really talking about is G.”

Your empathic paraphrase is fully interchangeable when the speaker feels you have captured his thoughts and sentiments exactly. It often coincides with an excited burst of energy or an enthusiastic, “Yes!”    When Should I Paraphrase? >>

 

Below, Jacob Needleman, author and professor of philosophy at San Francisco State University, argues that the act of listening is a critical step in the development of a personal morality.  He's describing the use of Empathic Paraphrasing and "how hard that is."  It is the hardest skill we teach AND the single most important.

 

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Dialogue has been in the news of late concerning the violent clash between Tibet and China:

The Dalai Lama has recently affirmed, “It is my sincere belief that if the concerned parties were to meet and discuss their future with an open mind and a sincere desire to find a satisfactory and just solution, a breakthrough could be achieved. We must all exert ourselves to be reasonable and wise, and to meet in a spirit of frankness and understanding.”

Britain, along with other Western countries, will use this year’s Beijing Olympics to put measured diplomatic pressure on the Chinese Government. Continued violence in Tibet will add to calls for Western nations to boycott the opening ceremony at the Games, or even the whole event.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told MPs: “I made it absolutely clear that there had to be an end to violence in Tibet. I also called for restraint, and I called for an end to the violence by dialogue between the different parties.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, the highest-ranking U.S. official to visit Beijing since a deadly March 14 anti-government riot in the Tibetan capital, said he appealed to Chinese leaders to engage their critics. "I expressed our concerns about the violence and urged a peaceful resolution through dialogue." Paulson said.

With less than five months before the opening of the Olympic Games in Beijing, China's sharp criticism of the foreign news media comes precisely when China wants to present a welcoming impression to the outside world. Chinese officials have blasted the foreign media as biased against China, castigated the Dalai Lama as a terrorist "jackal" and called for a "People's War" to fight separatism in Tibet.

"The language they are using about everything has been Cultural Revolution hyperbole," said Susan Shirk, a former assistant secretary of state for East Asian affairs and author of "China: Fragile Superpower." "This does not look like the reaction of a strong, confident leadership."

What can we recognize about dialogue from these headlines? If your trust diminishes along with your patience and good will, you are likely in discussion. Discussion is about being "right", appearing "strong". Dialogue has the potential to convert detractors into supporters and conflict into consensus.

The profound efficacy of dialogue requires much of us:

• Listening more deeply and for longer periods of time.
• Inquiring of others and paraphrasing their ideas when every cell in your body wants to attack, defend or explain.
• Becoming aware of your mind drifting and repeatedly returning it to the topic at hand.
• Examining our thoughts and separating assumptions from facts.

Whenever your conversation tends toward a discussion, where positions harden and frustration flares, turn the conversation around by asking questions.

Instead of making statements about what we believe, begin asking questions about what others believe. This is in accord with a principle articulated by Saint Francis and popularized by Stephen Covey:

“Seek first to understand; and then to be understood.”

When I attack your position and repeat my own, I strengthen your attachment to your position. When I ask you about your position in a spirit of inquiry, however, and empathically paraphrase what you say, you tend to hold your viewpoint more gently. You are more open to other perspectives, increasing the shared potential for influence and understanding.

Influence is shaping someone else's behavior without resorting to positional power. Real buy-in is achieved when others participate in the process of making decisions.

Some approach customers and clients by telling them about the superiority of their product, countering customers' "objections," then "closing" the transaction. Influence is more subtle.

In complex transactions, involving experienced parties on both sides, a more sophisticated approach is called for.

• Increase your ability to shape someone's behavior when you do not have direct control of them.
• Gather better data while building ongoing relationships in any business environment.
• Motivate others when involved in projects with virtual teams in remote locations.
• Exert leadership that transcends organizational boundaries.

Learn more about Influence>>  

“True resolution of problems and conflicts can only come through a respect for the mutual interest of the parties involved and through dialogue.” -Dalai Lama

Interactive communication or dialogue refers to interacting in ways that build shared meaning, rather than colliding in ways that foster disagreement, frustration and confusion.

A jazz improvisation is a good metaphor for dialogue. Each musician must build on what the others are already doing. The jazz musician can't just begin playing his favorite riff. He must listen to what others are playing, and then build on it. The result is something unique - no one person controls the musical direction. They improvise and initiate, but always in relationship to what others are doing.

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Dialogue Contrasted With Discussion Discussion has the same roots as "concussion" and "percussion." The Latin origin of discuss is "discutere" - to dash or shake apart. Hence, to discuss is to shake apart what others say. In a discussion we break things down, fragment the whole, analyze the pieces, and seek to convince others of our insights. You recognize discussion by its competitive nature. If you are only listening in order to prepare your own counter-arguments, you are involved in a discussion. What Does Dialogue Look Like?

• The business issue develops keen intellectual interest.
• The conversation is suffused with laughter.
• Everyone is involved, and people are listening deeply.
• The conversation becomes animated.
• You become eager to add to what someone else has said; but you are listening more than talking.
• You sense an almost palpable excitement.
• The multiple perspectives create a sense of aliveness and possibility.
• Different viewpoints interest you instead of annoy you.

More on Dialogue>>