Let’s face it: whoever you talk to, it’s going to be a man or a woman. And, since the chances are 50-50 that that other person will be a different gender than you are, you need to know that your way of communication may not be the same. Many experts attest to that difference, but even so, even if men and women have two different ways of communicating, shouldn’t we focus less on the difference and, instead, try to learn each other’s "language?"

Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, uses the terms report and rapport to describe male-female communication. Men report, she says. They work with facts and figures in order to convey or obtain information, to strip away the details and get down to the bare bones of the problem. Women, on the other hand, want others to understand the complexity of the information and the situation, and in that effort toward understanding, work at establishing a rapport and building a relationship.

It benefits no one to emphasize the differences in male-female communication, but it does help to understand that there are those differences. Deborah Tannen says: "Male-female conversation is cross-cultural conversation." That may be true, but in an age when so many cultures in the world are striving to improve communication, shouldn’t we also be working on our daily communication — at home and in the workplace.

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The first call is the hardest, especially if it’s a cold call. But cold or warm, remember the potential client’s time is valuable so be brief and be sure you’ve done your research.

1. Listen to the client. Don’t start with how thrilled they’ll be with your product or service.

2. Confirm what you heard by paraphrasing the client’s words. Make sure you understand what they’ve said before you try to move on.

3. Ask strategic questions. Find out what they want and how you can help them.

4. Summarize what you heard them say – their answers and ideas. Summarize either on the phone or with an email following the call. Use their words specifically. It sounds simple, but it works.

5. Suggest options: 1) Solutions to their business challenges; 2) Enhancements through opportunities for improvement in their company. Options you can help them with via your product or service.

6. Ask the client what they see as a logical next step. Ask and listen. Don’t push them into what you think they need and what you can offer them.

7. Find out when you can meet with them. Suggest a specific time: "How about next Tuesday after lunch?" Don’t be pushy, though; you can always call back. It’s better to be realistic and rely on the client’s statements or goals.

8. Don’t give up. Persistence pays off.

 

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What is the simplest way to move a conversation toward dialogue? Ask a Question!

Instead of making statements about what we believe, begin asking questions about what others believe.  As a conversation moves forward, continue to ask questions that relate directly and obviously to what the other person has been saying.

Dialogue: Its Component Parts

How do you balance advocacy and inquiry?

• Step back.
• Target your inquiry by asking questions to clarify what the other person believes.
• Examine the other person’s mental maps.
• Suspend your own assumptions.
• Learn before you try to influence.
• Advocate your opinions through carefully chosen questions and statements.

The Rewards

• Building rapport
• Building business relationships
• Extending your influence

Tips for Improvement >>

 

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Most of us tend to want to talk more than we listen. It’s no secret that this tendency is counterproductive to building relationships, gathering information and learning. 

To be mentally present requires more than just silence when another speaks. You must clear your mind of extraneous “chatter” and focus intensely on what the speaker is saying.  Intense relaxed attention focused on another literally pulls them to a higher level of participation. 

How do you gain control of your meandering mind?   More  >>

Verbal fillers make a speaker seem less articulate and less sure of themselves and their message. Here are techniques that can help to shed the use of verbal fillers (uh, um, so, like, you know, basically, etc.)

1. Video tape or record yourself delivering a presentation or in a conversation. Watch your videotape or listen to the recording once just counting your verbal fillers. It may be painful and embarrassing but can fuel your determination to shed the fillers.

2. Enlist the help of others - your partner / spouse, friends, coworkers, family, etc. Empower them to repeat your fillers whenever they hear you using it.

3. Listen for your use of verbal filler at ALL times, whether presenting, in conversation, on the phone, in social situations, etc.

4. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just make a mental note and remind yourself that you want to …  More On Verbal Filler >>

If you're enjoying our blog, consider applying for a workshop >>  Our work has to be experienced to truly understand its value.  Once a quarter The Henderson Group holds a "By Invitation Only" Art of Presentation workshop in San Francisco, led by our VP of Services, Terry Gault.  With that in mind, we set aside a couple of free seats for the right candidates.

 Below, Slam Poet, Taylor Mali, performs his speech 'Totally Like Whatever'

 

What does it mean to connect?

To connect with your customers and colleagues is to join with them in a shared experience. It involves sharing ideas and information; creating a sense of interchange based on common interests.

Why ask questions?

Questions demonstrate your willingness to involve another in interactive dialogue. You interrupt your own closed-loop and bring in another perspective.

Asking questions is also a subtle tool of persuasion. The listener opens to your ideas as they articulate answers. You can often make your point more powerfully than by hammering home assertion after assertion.

Would you like to demonstrate that you are interested in those with whom you interact?

Start with open-ended questions. As you move toward resolution, use specifically directed, closed-end questions.  Read More >> 

 

Below, Jason McGarva of the Providence Toastmasters club shares his insights on how to keep a conversation going using the power of open ended questions.

 

How customers view you or your products is garnered by a framework of assumptions, stories and images in their minds.

If you really want to influence someone, your first task is to understand how they think. An individual’s perspective on the world can be identified and “mapped.”

A model for asking questions:

Step 1. Neutral Prompts

Step 2. Define the Universe with Wide Questions

Step 3. Prioritizing Issues with Priority Questions

Step 4. Pursue Detail with Deep Questions

 

More About The Discovery Process In Business >>

 

Below, Toastmaster Trey Gramann gives a thoughtful and humorous speech entitled "A Map for the Soul."

 

How do you prove to a speaker that you are really listening to what they are saying?  Paraphrase in a way that captures “the essence” of all major points the speaker makes. Use the speakers’ key words.

Work on making sure that your tone of voice, gestures and energy level are commensurate with the speaker’s.  If you restate the speaker’s words in a dispassionate and detached tonality, you have not empathically paraphrased. Listen to the speaker’s emotions, sentiments and desires, then pitch your voice and use your face and gesture in a manner that reflects understanding of the speaker’s emotive state.

Subtractive: The most common way in which your paraphrase will be inaccurate: all the speaker’s key ideas are not captured. That is, the paraphrase has subtracted some of what was said. The speaker says, “I am concerned about A, B & C.” The paraphraser says, “You are concerned about A & B.”

Additive: The next most likely way in which your paraphrase will be inaccurate: we hear what we want to hear and focus on our own ideas. We then add statements that the speaker did not make. The speaker: “I am concerned about A, B & C.” The paraphraser says, “You are concerned about A, B, C, L, & R.”

Interpretive: Instead of paraphrasing what was said you offer your interpretation of what you believe the speaker meant to say. You hear A, B & C and say “I have the impression that what you are really talking about is G.”

Your empathic paraphrase is fully interchangeable when the speaker feels you have captured his thoughts and sentiments exactly. It often coincides with an excited burst of energy or an enthusiastic, “Yes!”    When Should I Paraphrase? >>

 

Below, Jacob Needleman, author and professor of philosophy at San Francisco State University, argues that the act of listening is a critical step in the development of a personal morality.  He's describing the use of Empathic Paraphrasing and "how hard that is."  It is the hardest skill we teach AND the single most important.

Feedback is a terrific tool that can bring greater awareness to our communication. It can also carry intense internal conflict when the picture we have of ourselves clashes with how we are perceived by others.

1. Develop your inner observer by noticing your reactions to feedback.

2. Resist the powerful urge to explain yourself.

3. Become a sponge. Simply absorb it all.

4. Work to accept the feedback as possibly correct. Use the 1% rule.  

Feedback provides an excellent springboard for improving skills and gaining new insight IF we can abate the ego's natural tendency to defend itself.   Read More >>