Your Freaked Out Brain Seeks SAFETY

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Denise Green

Imagine this. You’re about to start a one-on-one meeting with an employee when you get a text message from your boss saying the Senior Vice President wants to know why you’re over budget on project x.

What happens to you physically?

What do you do next?

Here’s what most of us don’t do. We don’t pause and wonder how urgent this message is and whether responding to it takes precedence over our one-on-one with a direct report. We don’t take a deep breath, gather ourselves, remind ourselves that we’re not going to get fired if we respond in an hour or two, and then have a distraction-free, focused conversation where we practice deep listening.

Why do we make so many snap decisions that add to our stress and diminish our overall effectiveness?

Blame it on the brain and its ancient operating system with five times as many neural processes for negative thinking as positive thinking.

For years, I’ve used David Rock’s SCARF* model with my executive clients and workshop participants to help people understand why we make emotional decisions about how we spend our time and how we react to certain triggers. His incredibly accessible article Managing with the Brain in Mind  is the first reading assignment I give new coaching clients.

And now, thanks to Phil Dixon** of the Academy of Brain Based Leadership, we have a new model that expands on SCARF. His S.A.F.E.T.Y acronym fills some gaps and gives us a mnemonic that helps us remember the brain’s fundamental organizing principle: to move us toward safety.

Your Brain Craves S.A.F.E.T.Y

S – Security

We want to know that tomorrow we will wake up with a roof over our heads, food in the cupboards, money in the bank, predictable cash flow, and good health. Threats to this security include change, uncertainty, and inconsistencies. The world and workplace are chaotic and change is unavoidable. As a leader, it’s important to remember that in the absence of information, people make things up. And because of our brain’s negativity bias, the imagined story usually isn’t pretty. So be as transparent as possible. Often, the information you share isn’t as bad as people feared. And when you’re having a bad day, let people know the source isn’t them. And please…smile more. Your mood is contagious.

A – Autonomy

I have yet to meet a person who loves being told what to do. My dog? Definitely. People? Not so much.

Most people are willing to exchange some autonomy for security. For example, we submit to state and federal laws but are sensitive when laws encroach on personal freedoms.

In the workplace, people are wiling to give up some autonomy for a paycheck and benefits, but everyone has autonomy limits and, at some point, we want to make decisions for ourselves.

Practices like flexible work schedules and flexible (or unlimited) vacation days help increase autonomy in what can be a dehumanizing work environment. What to do as a manager if you can’t control policies? Instead of giving dictates, ask for input. And if you do make suggestions, offer three instead of one. Then let them decide. Even a perception of control helps reduce stress, pain, and hypertension.

Most people don’t feel like they own their work day, but are constantly responding to torrent of requests. Encourage people to have a sacred time during each day, where they’re encouraged to turn off all communication devices and use the uninterrupted time any way they like. Praise people who ignore your requests during their sacred time.

Another common cause of autonomy pain? Pointless or unproductive meetings. Some ideas to adopt: 1) Structure meetings so productive conversations actually happen. 2) Never have a meeting solely to inform. 3) Have people stand (which leads to more  productive and shorter meetings) 4) Keep meetings short and end on time or early 5)Ban PowerPoint, and 6) Consider adopting a policy where anyone can decline a meeting that doesn’t have a clear agenda and/or doesn’t detail why each person is invited. Then praise people who decline your meeting requests.

F – Fairness

When people perceive something as unfair, the same part of the brain is affected as if we tasted or smelled something disgusting. Being on the receiving end of this feeling is no fun. Having someone tell you they are “disappointed” in you feels worse than their anger. At home, children are constantly feeling fairness threats, and spouses/partners can build up resentment if they don’t air and resolve perceived conditions of unfairness. In the corporate world, Performance Management systems and ‘ranking’ create an unnecessary fairness threats (and ample disgust) in employees.

One sure way to trigger a fairness threat is to offer something and not deliver it. Not sure if bonuses will pay out this year? Tell people early.

Fairness doesn’t mean treating everyone the same. Learn what matters most and to the extent that you can, deliver it.

E – Esteem

We can think of this realm in three parts: 1) How we see ourselves, 2) how we see ourselves in relation to others and 3) our interpretation of how we think others see us. The common thread is comparison. It’s about how we compare ourselves to others and how we compare ourselves to where we think we are or should be in terms of our accomplishments.

Because of our brain’s negativity bias, we often misjudge how others perceive us. Sitting in a meeting with the boss, if she’s scowling, our brain assumes we must have done something bad, when in fact, she may just have a headache. Or, maybe her resting face is a scowl.

We bombard ourselves with negative self-talk that has an undercurrent of “I’m not good enough.” Next time you think something nice about someone, tell them.

T – Trust

The need for trusting human connection is very real and very deep. Social anthropologists have found that fear of ostracism is higher than fear of starvation. Considering that our brains are still wired for tribal times, this makes sense. If you were ousted from the tribe, you were as good as dead. When people feel excluded or ridiculed, the pain center of the brain lights up. And some neuroscientist postulate that “Social pain” is worse than physical pain, because we feel it every time we remember the source of the pain.

Sadly, our ancient brains are wired to distrust. We had to evolve to detect small differences in others so we knew who was safe. Now we just misjudge the boss for a saber tooth tiger. But we can override this inclination.

One of the fastest ways to build trust and connection is to find even small similarities. Spend just ten minutes asking someone about their past and their interests and you will find something you have in common. This simple exercise can switch the brain from ‘foe’ to ‘friend’ processing. Not sure what to ask? Check out my Colleague-Interview-Questions for a list of questions that are bound to start a rich conversation.

Want to be more successful at influencing others? Be genuinely likable and trustworthy. Our brain processes information from a foe (out group), on a completely different circuitry than messages from a friend (in group). If you aren’t trusted and liked, you may have to resort to threats and rewards to coerce, which will likely only further erode trust.

Y – You

This is about past and present YOU.

Past: How does your inherited genetics affect who you are? Where and how you were raised and how did that shape your beliefs, tenets, values, and fears? What past experiences have greatly affected you? For example, breaking my back in a car accident at age 22 shifted my life trajectory and forced me to learn to draw boundaries and use my physical resources wisely. It also had me appreciate health instead of taking my body for granted.

Present: What is your mood? How much sleep did you get last night? Are you hungry? What are your habits of thought and behavior? What are your biases (we all have them and most are non-conscious)? What are your triggers, goals, stress level? What pain are you experiencing? Is a communication device on near you?  (The latter will lower your IQ by 10 points).

*SCARF stands for Security, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness

** This post was inspired by a paper Phil Dixon authored about the SAFETY model.

Your Turn

The importance of each S.A.F.E.T.Y element is relative to individuals and cultures.  How do you prioritize their importance?  How does this affect how you get triggered?

The post Your Freaked Out Brain Seeks SAFETY appeared first on Brilliance Inc..

photo credit: Bernard Goldbach

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